There's a reason they're called fantasies — it's because you're thinking about things you might not necessarily try in real life. A sex therapist explains what this fantasy means.
March 14, 2019
Save this story
Save this storySave this story
Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin answering your most confidential questions to help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. Here, she answers a question about fantasizing about someone who is not your partner.
DEAR VANESSA: During sex with my boyfriend, I often catch myself fantasizing about other people. It feels uncomfortable, and want to understand why I keep doing it. There’s also one other detail that is hard for me to admit — I often fantasize about other women. I am straight and have no interest in hooking up with a woman in real life, so I really don’t understand why I think about women so often. Help! - Can’t Stop Fantasizing, 22
DEAR CSF: Most people feel some amount of discomfort or confusion about their fantasies, so let me start by addressing fantasizing in general: it’s perfectly normal, common, and healthy. All that it really means is picturing a sexual scenario in your head. It creates a different kind of stimulation at the moment and a lot of people really enjoy that extra stimulation. It’s also important to recognize that it’s common and normal to fantasize about things that you wouldn’t necessarily want to try in real life.
Sometimes that’s why fantasizing is so fun — because you know you would never do that thing in your real life. The same thing is true about non-sexual fantasies too, like dreaming about being a celebrity, even if you know you could never deal with the paparazzi, harassment on social media, and constant pressure. So the fact that you fantasize about women but don’t want to be with a woman in real life is totally fine. It’s also one of the most common fantasies women have. (That being said, if you ever felt curious about hooking up with another woman, you should also know that that’s perfectly normal and healthy. If you find yourself having a hard time allowing yourself to be attracted to other genders, it may be something to check in about with a sex therapist or counselor.)
When it comes to fantasizing about someone else when you’re with a partner, there are a couple of key questions you could ask yourself.
First, when you’re fantasizing, are you truly wanting something different at that moment, either from yourself or from your partner? For example, maybe your partner is going really hard and fast and you start fantasizing about someone touching you much more slowly and gently. Fantasizing at that moment may be a way that you’re circumventing asking for what you need or want from your partner. Maybe you feel too nervous or self-conscious to give feedback or make a request of your partner. If that’s the case, I definitely encourage you to speak up more when you’re with your partner.
The second question to consider is whether or not your fantasy is pulling you away from being with your partner in the way you want to show up at that moment. Try to get a sense of how fantasizing affects your ability to be present. Does your fantasy feel like it’s just a little scene that you’re watching in the background, or does it feel like it captures your full attention and pulls you out of the moment with your boyfriend?
Then, think about how that relates to the kind of sex that you want to be having. For example, if you and your boyfriend are still pretty casual, and sex is light and fun, it’s not a big deal to escape into a fantasy for a little while. But if you and your partner are having really meaningful, intimate sex, are you able to show up in the way that you want to show up while you’re also fantasizing? Or does fantasizing get in the way? I want to be clear that there are no judgments here; it just boils down to you being honest about the kind of sex you want to have, and whether or not fantasizing about someone else prevents you from getting there.
Fantasizing is normal and healthy, the important thing is that we're honest about how it impacts our real-world sex life.
If you find that your fantasies are often distracting, there are a few things that you can do. First, what about fantasizing about your boyfriend? Most people don’t think to give their partners a starring role in their own fantasies, but it can be surprisingly fun. It can allow you to still get that powerful mental stimulation while also helping you create the kind of intimacy you want to create with your partner. If you find that you often get really into the visual element of your fantasies, you can try paying more attention to the real-life visuals in the moment. Try having sex with the lights on, or watching your bodies as they move together. If fantasizing is usually a good way to keep your overactive mind at bay, you can also try practicing mindfulness or meditation, to learn how to stay more mentally present in the moment.
